i went for a walk today...ventured outta the cocoon of the city walls and headed to lands all new and unexplored...not such a huge deal for sure...but for me this felt like a lil step into the greater path ahead...why?...well let me tell you...you see i am a fan of the known (not to be mistaken for the gnome! ;-) )...for all my yearnings and dreamings and imaginings of pastures new, i kinda like what feels familiar to me...now, its only recently that i have realised how impacted and compacted this view of my life has been
as mentioned on a previous post, i never used to be so known loving...in my younger days jaunts aplenty to obscure parts of the globe and random adventuring were the forte of the day...i am not sure what has happened, but it seems like, over the last decade, some part of me has narrowed so much (and sadly thats not my waist!!), that i am surprised my neck can turn any degrees to the side...my vision has tunnelled somehow and my sense of daring has shrivelled from lack of light, or, you might say, from lack of any attention directed its way...like an uncared for plant...
i have developed a fear of the unknown
i am pretty certain that i am not alone in this..in fact if i asked for a shout out here, we could probably gather an army to tackle together that hitherto unfamiliar path that lies a little to the side, beyond the strainings of a long ago forgotten to move cabeza...why do we fear the unknown, that which we cannot see, reminding us of shadowed spots that haunt the back and hazed out parlours of our dreams?
i was talking to a dear friend yesterday afternoon over coffee and cake (you have to do these things right!)...her and her husband had recently moved house...their new home, in her own words is a 'real house'...their old abode, much loved i might add, had inhabited them both for twenty years...she told me how, standing outside the front door for the last time, she had tears streaming down her face, only the fondest memories vying for her attention, and a great ball of doubt and 'oh what the fuck have we done?!' playing its one line song over and over in her mind...from there they ventured, limbo style, to a tea shop and suddenly she felt exhilarated, free and light beyond belief...as soon as they arrived at their new home for the very first evening, she tells me that something miraculous had happened...firstly, she instantly knew she was home...and secondly, she was amazed at how quickly and strongly she had seen her emotions and the stories and labels attached to them changing...essentially, she saw how her old fear based, clinging to, and deeply attached mind to 'this is how it is' had brought her such pain...when she let go of what she had attached to (basically the thought that their old home was the perfect place and she shouldnt have rocked the boat and made such a huge change) she freed herself from the velcro like stickiness that pulled her into misery!...yes of course there was grief, 20 years is a long time to be in relationship to some place, and our home is an intimate extension of who we are...our womb for a while ;-)...but without the story and thus fear, she saw that is was just a house, with lots of memories, but she didnt need to hold on to that...the memories are what she can take and hold, wherever she finds herself!
oh and she no longer feels stuck..or watches any day time tv...a change is as good as a rest they say, and am guessing they might be right on that one!!
a couple of friends have over the last few months, jokingly pointed out, that it is difficult and unusual for me to leave the city centre radius...i.e. to venture further than i need to as i go about my life...tho i know these comments were made in jest, i felt myself reacting to them, there was a little 'ouch' arising, so i decided to explore this...was it true? have i holed myself up, all rapunzel like, in the tower of town, all corridors leading to no known exit?? of course i do go beyond the city gates, a visiting and working further afield, but something rings, sadly i might add, just a little too true...
you know, one of the ways i have felt my own 'stuckness' over the last few years, is in the desire to move home...whats the problem?...yeh folks jump ship all the time, and last year 3 of my close amigas did that very same thing, and it wobbled me more than a little..why cannot i jump? wheres my ship? why has this all gone a little piratey?? ;-)...it occurred to me recently the irony of wanting this new home, and the fact that i hardly travel or explore beyong my so called front door...hmmm...wierdly, and this is quite strange, there is a fear here...even though today i got a train for half an hour to a place just slightly further afield, i felt this familiar rising of fear...fear of the unknown, of getting lost, of being in danger...and with these thoughts, a deep sadness...strange hey?!...
something to share with you...about 8 years ago, whilst solo travelling, gung ho stylee, in the far east, i found myself in laos...a relatively new country for foreigners, or falang, as one is known as, to enter and peruse, and a very beautiful place too...nearing the end of a 3 month trip i was staying in a small village in the north, that seemed ever eager to offer the local delicacy, opium...so plenty of travellers were ascended on what was essentially a small little rural community
now i was not tempted by the drug of the day...frankly my dabble in opiates was satiated by some surreal and twisted tales from former travels to india...and i had not so long ago been immersed in a ten day vispassana meditation course, and i was enjoying the clarity and strength within me that was arising from my dedication to this gem...however, i was drawn by the beauty of the landscape and planned to stay for a few days...the universe is a bugger sometimes isnt it?!...it was only the eve before the incident i will share with you, that i was sat having dinner with a sweet and young female traveller, who was sharing her apprehension about travelling on her own...and there i was, spouting all this ramble that its all fine and how i had done this for years no problem!! kinda blase i feel now!...the next day, i decided to visit the nearby caves...
now i do not actually like caves...too damp and claustrophobic for me...and i have seen the movie 'the descent'...and 'the descent 2' ;-)...but i went anyways..its what ya do right?...i had as a guide this young local lad, only 15years of age, who appeared to be the unofficial tour guide for the caves...you know, bung him a lil cash at the end..and so we set off...now i am not going to go into what happened, but interestingly it was only when i realised, half way thro a cave, with only this kid and a 90 year old cave attendant as company, a million miles away from home, and with absolutely no one knowing where i was, that fear kicked in..the voice in my head yelling 'what the hell heidi!! are you taking crazy pills??!'...and it was as we started to head back 'home', and even though i had made it clear to this kid that i was married and my husband was waiting for me by the river (always have a husband ladies when travelling abroad solo..or failing that, at least a ring and a good story!), that i was attacked...
i got away...legged it as fast as i could towards where i could just make out the river and people...i had lost my glasses, and my flip flops at this point, but who gives a shit...zooming thro fields, and lost likely i suspect, destroying crops (sorry mister farmer), i only had one target in mind...to get to a place of safety! (sorry mom if ya reading this xx)...let me assure you that i was very very lucky...i wasnt harmed or raped...i know that many women have disturbing and abusive occurrences when travelling, and i know that i was blessed and got away...i am also certain that the kid, and jesus he was half my age at the time, but bloody strong, did not necessarily have any really bad intentions towards me, but still...attacking a woman, in any situation, is a no-no
its funny, but its only dawning on me as i write these words, that i wonder if energetically there is still something unresolved in my body?, some trauma held?, some fear that i am naming as that which faces me just stepping into going for a walk in nature in england, half hour down the road...hmmm..its possible i guess...
oh by the way....accompanied by a concerned tourist, we headed to report this incident to the local police...i had a bleeding lip, grazes and was shaken up...as i knew it would be, they were very dismissive, and shruggingly asking what they wanted me to do (because lets face it...wandering off alone with a boy is not appropriate behaviour...its not how they view a respectable woman in their culture...so i dont blame them for their couldnt care less attitude)...but i simply said that if he was taking folk around the caves, a similar incident might happen again, and it could get ugly...also...did they really condone this behaviour in one of their townsfolk?...so i will never know what happened to him, but i learned my lesson, not to be soo blase myself!!
i am totally aware that this has now turned into a mini series for a saturday evening and if you are still reading i hope you have a fine wine to hand ;-)...so...the unknown...i realise lately, that i am ready to face the unknown...as long as i have support...its that support that will keep me safe...and that support comes from inside of me...i have met recently a sadness around not ever having that solid feeling of support when i was young, or a little girl...that rock solid safety, that ability to melt and surrender into, that would have been a blueprint as i grew up, has been missing...i see it now...it cannot be reclaimed for that moment has gone...but i can recreate it for myself...my support is in feeling my feet on the ground; feeling my belly and heart; my contact with what is physically around me; and my own inner beloved championing me on and looking out for the scared lil girl in me...
maybe i can let go of that fear...maybe i can let go of the 'parent' hand that i know i still hold onto in a few ways in my life...maybe i can trust that if i fall down i wont disappear or collapse forever; that if i get lost as long as i find myself i will be ok; that maybe, just maybe, by letting go into the unknown, a whole new chapter will be revealed and i will be freed!
so..to those lil steps into the unknown..or that giant leap...to letting go of clinging to what no longer serves, and to putting myself into the hands of trust and faith...i face the unknown and i feel my energy rising..bring it on!!
thanks for stopping by
night night
xxx
No comments:
Post a Comment